Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in aclockheart's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
9:45 pm	Taken from my hands I hate this feeling. This feeling that something has been taken away from me. The worst part is knowing I have to let it go. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
11:04 am	Just Me and You Just me and you ... And we're gonna keep it somehow For something true ... and we're gonna fight for it now And I don't care if the world falls apart, we're gonna stay the course And though we lose it all ... it's just me and you (Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
10:45 am	Show Me Grace Look at me, a tangled mess of life and stumbling Wondering if it ever works out Lost in here, looking for a place of yearning Where words not heard would light up the soul And I'm turning 180, but it would be crazy To take a glimpse at this, and simply walk away But this is not a dream, let this be real Let it rain, let it rain Show me grace And erase these memories lingering on Etched in my soul Show me heart And start something new Wipe it all away Yeah, today ... Let it rain, let it rain, let it rain ... Till red is no more And the grey fades away (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
12:43 am	Home away from home I am at Reyn's apartment in the city right now, thankful for such welcoming folks. It's been quite a night, and I'm still trying to digest it all. I saw the movie Hotel Rwanda, and it was ... intense. Don Cheadle should get an Oscar for that performance, it was ... intense ... Then afterwards, they let me sleep over at their place. More than anything, I just wanted to be around them, more than being at home ... because mom and dad just can't really interact the way i want them to, and even sis, well we just tick differently. But we ended up talking about such significant things, and I was just so enthralled to hear about how God was working in this one girl's life, who's basically with child now, and Reyn's community is really helping her out, and that speaks volumes to me. We need more churches like this. I'm looking for to visiting their church on Sunday. ^_^ Anyways, enough for now. Dreading work tomorrow. Ugh. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
7:07 pm	Decisions Tomorrow I'm faced with a decision that feels momentous. And it's not really. But it comes down to one of two things I have to decide upon. Do I choose to be comfortable, or do I choose to take the low road again? Or is it some strange combination of the two? Sometimes, I wish God would make decisions for me, because I feel rather inadequate to choose them. Ugh, I hate indecision. I used to think that I was in a place where I liked having options, but I think the high group thing has got me thinking that options isn't such a hot thing. Too many choices! Too many places to go! But part of me is thinking that all that is rubbish (say hello to the American consumer in me!) And thus is the mystery of God's sovereignty vs. man's responsibility. Where am I in all this, God? I feel so weird not being able to make decisions. I need conviction in that what I decide, in the light of present knowledge and God's wisdom, that I'll do OK. And I'm not trying to make excuses, but anyone who can't do that in the long run is ultimately debilitated by depression and second-guessing, and I don't want to live like that. God's grace is sufficient. Anyways, back to studying, of my own free will. =P~~~ (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
11:16 pm	Something special So, I'm back in New York, and I'm not all that thrilled about it. Work piled up as usual, and they have defintely given me more than 30 hours worht of work. I wouldn't care, frankly, but Michele at work seems to be getting the brunt of it from Hans. I wish he'd piss off. I hate managers who don't talk to the people they manage, and I especially hate it when managers make decision without consulting the people they manage. What a dork. In any case, I don't wanna let Michele down, because her neck is on the line if I don't pull the extra hours in. God, what do I do here? Don't feel like writing anymore. Off to bed I go, hopefully this cold will be gone by tomorrow. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 16th, 2005
11:04 am	So here I am, in sunny LA, and it's a gorgeous morning, with a few clouds streaking the air, but not having much of an effect on the weather. Yet strangely, I don't feel so good. It's just hitting me that I'm going home tomorrow. Aw darn. Suffice it to say that life will be much quieter without Ki around the NY area. At least California will be blessed by his presence. And the fact that I am going back tomorrow to a whole slew of responsibilities just seems to make my life much harder to return to. I liked the road trip life for awhile, meeting new people, and in general just having some damn excitement in my life. I have to return to work, a full load from school, and the worst part of it all, and I know this sounds really stupid, but I don't really know how God wants me to serve. It's frustrating in that aspect, because I feel like people want a youth pastor, but then they want him to have so much experience and so much under his belt already. Do New York people realize that having that IN NY is sort of ridiculous, especially considering that youth ministry in New York is a JOKE for most churches? People gotta wake up, and learn to raise leaders inside the church, not steal them from others. People in New York have no concept of how to REALLY raise leaders, the exception I think being Remnant. God, where the heck do I go? Today, I'm going to Soul Survivor Costa Mesa, and yet I go with a heavy heart because of all the stuff that's currently going on. Oh well, off to dress I go. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
1:54 am	I just wanted to record a few notes about what I experienced on Tuesday night as I was prayed over by Sarah and Ki that night. For those who might be uncomfortable with the notions of the prophetic ministry, in some sense I am, too, but I need to know how God is working in this capacity. He is certainly doing something in all this, I'm just not sure what. While I was praying that night, I had a huge sense of God's presence on my life, and as usual, I was really broken. I told Ki and Sarah later that night that I was not quite sure of the spiritual vocabulary that was spoken in those tears, but all I know is that the presence of God was certainly upon me that night. When Sarah prayed over me, she said that I had been "wired" a certain way, and that God had done so purposely. That really hit me, because sometimes, I don't want to feel the way that I do about kids. And now in retrospect, I understand this not just from a heart perspective, but from a music perspective, too. And that was a comfort, because I'm starting to have a confidence in that what I feel is not just some human experiential and knowledge thing only, but a gift from God that I need to harness for His purpose. So at least in this sense, I'm going to try very hard to live with the understanding that since God made me the way that I am, I should embrace it with everything I am. She also said that a new "mantle of authority" would be falling upon me. What does this mean? What kind of authority? What kind of leadership? I dunno. She also noted that I am timid about filling in these "shoes" and that these shoes would be a perfect fit for me. I know that I have been worried about my lack of administrative capability in the ministry area, but I'm sure there's other things as well that i'm worried about not being able to do. When Ki prayed for me, he noted that God was "weeping over me, and that God was weeping over me because he was delighting in me." I wasn't sure that it was a good thing, because it's not the first thing I think of when I think of joy, but as I remind myself of my tears that I was experiencing that night, I wonder if it was God's tears that I was shedding, that overflowing love that is so evident in my life. Hmmm. God give me ears to hear, eyes to see. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
1:20 pm	Missing Person - Michael W. Smith Another question in me, one for the powers that be It's got me thrown and so I put on my poker face And try to figure it out, this undeniable doubt A common occurance, feeling so out of place Guarded and cynical now, can't help but wondering how My heart evolved into a rock beating inside of me So I reel, such a stoic ordeal Where's that feeling that I don't feel There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain And like a child he would believe without a reason Without a trace he disappeared into the void And I'm still searching for that missing person He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow He had a fire that he could feel it in the marrow It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately But I'm still searching for that missing person Another lavender moon, so many thoughts consume me Within the glowing light that once burned so bright in me Is this a radical phase, of problematical age That keeps me running from all that I used to be Is there a way to return, is there a way to unlearn That carnal knowledge that's chipping away at my soul I've been gone too long Will I ever find my way home? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
7:12 pm	LFCC (and more random assorted thoughts) Service has been getting later and later for me. Service was at 2! SO LATE! But it was nice to just relax to go to service for a change. Ended up playing video games to pass the time before service started. Got there early, and ran into Scott and Sara, and was good to see them. There was this cute girl with them, but they didn't introduce me to her. On that note, I realize that the reason that Remnant Westside was so friendly was because Ki taught people how to introduce people to others. I realize that I take serious note now when people don't introduce me to people that I most likely don't know, and that I realize that this is one of the things that I should do and work on when building community in my future ministry. It's just a stupid thing that can be overcome rather easily if people would just do that. It's no skin off Scott and Sara's back, but after not getting introduced to someone who is there, it's just awkward being around those people later on, cause you know who they are, but yet you don't! weird eh? LFCC takes place at this Jewish temple on Northern Blvd, and it was pretty cool to see the inside of a temple for once. Seemed like a Mitnagdic temple, since it was relatively well furnished. No Hasidic temple would have been so nice. Went into service, and saw Jeane playing keyboard. Was good seeing her, even though I hadn't talked to her in over a few months. It was pretty busy, so decided to talk to her after service. I realize in retrospect that I can't remember much of what we talked about even though it was one of the highlights of my trip out to LFCC. ^_^I'm hoping that we can catch up sometime, if it's not too awkward. Service was pretty interesting. Very liturgical, and lots of creeds. Worship was horrible though, I was hoping to see Jeane play, but it was this other guy instead, and he sucked. BIG TIME. He was so distracting. He has zero sense of touch. ZERO. He needs to calm down. I couldn't worship. That was a big time problem. Worship would have been 100% better had there been no drums (and I can't believe I said that, but it's true.) Jeane on the other hand, had such great touch on the piano, and songs just flowed from her fingertips. It's obvious that she's been playing for years, and it made worship bearable when she played. The worship leader was decent rhythmically on vocals, but otherwise was hoping for more on guitar. God, why am I such a musical snob? I almost wish I wasn't musical. It's so hard to worship because I'm always paying attention to these things. Thankfully, Pastor Ro's sermon on Galatians was pretty good. I'm not sure I agreed with his exegesis, and I felt like he used too large a piece of Scripture to sermonize. (The whole 3rd chapter of Galatians! And it took Keller like 4 weeks to get through that!) He was the first fairly decent preacher I've been around in the past few weeks. Pastor Victor was ok before that, but he seemed rather stiff when preaching. His points were much clearer than when he would preach at the evening service (also known as the Well) basically because he had more time with which to flesh out his points. However, I felt like his language and terms were too complicated, and that his saving grace was only that he managed to illustrate it well. Show, not tell, so at least he went there. As usual, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with his strong bent on Reformed theology, but then again, I seem to sway back and forth between theological extremes. After service, Judy showed up (she was late) and it was good to have someone I knew there. I don't know Judy very well yet, but I do know this, that each time I see her, I like her even more. She's a great match for someone like Tim, and i'm glad he's with her. She's good for him, so I wanted to get to know this sister more, and just get closer with her. It's weird ... I feel like I have an older sister in her. ^_^ Afterwards, I hung around the back, saying hi to the few people I knew. I ended up talking to Scott Lee and talking about what I was doing. He said he'd be on the lookout for me, and I thanked him for it. I talked to Pastor Ro as well and I can't exactly remember what happened in that conversation, but I do recall just being able to connect with him and get some support from him. Afterwards just watched people go here and there. The crowd is a bit mixed, maybe not as much as VCF, but then again, VCF's multiethnicity comes from the Merchant Marines, so not exactly sure that counts. The Asian church in general has a huge problem in reaching out to the community at large. Thing is though, is that the whole mobility thing has basically killed the sense of community in the metropolitan NYC area. You want fellowship, you basically just commute there, and for most people that's reasonable. I understand that you have to go where ministry is, but at the same time, most people don't go to do ministry, they go to get their weekly spiritual helping. In any case, I realize that at least for now, I'm at a bit of a loss to determine how much we should pursue multi-ethnicity, if at all. One thing is for sure, though. I refuse to serve in a place where I feel I can't bring my friends, like Alex and Michelle, if I feel like they'll feel odd where they are. One thing I remember being a little weird about was the whole formal introduction thing. I don't like that anymore. We did it in VCF, and they do it here in LFCC, and I realize that it's not very organic at all. Welcoming needs to be done on a personal level, and gradually get people to introduce themselves to the larger body of people. I think formal introductions are just not appropriate because they rarely encourage people in the community to go introduce themselves, and rather, they just let the community at large know that someone new has arrived, so it's just for informational purposes. This is one of the harder ministry questions to solve, but I get the feeling if this is addressed better, wow things will happen. After that, I went out with Judy three of her close girlfriends, Ashley, Gina, and Soomin. It was weird, and I felt like the kid brother, but I guess that wasn't so bad. and I figured if these guys were really close with Judy, they must be good people. And I liked hanging around them. We went to Keum Mun Do, and had some food there, and it was relatively pleasant eating dinner with them. Later on, we went over to Soomin's house, who happens to live quite near Eunsoo (hello!). I was a bit nervous driving there, because Soomin was pregnant, very pregnant, and apparently due in less than a month! I think I unconsciously took local roads! We got their house, and I met her husband (Eugene), and he welcomed me and the girls in. I met some other really nice folks there, and I saw that little girl, Ella (who seems to be the life of the party), with her parents, Grace and Han. Me and Han got talking for awhile, about doing IT work (his profession), and met George (fellow programmer, who needs to learn the joy of IDEs). It was quite quiet, because most of the guys (Eugene's frineds from GFC) were watching football, who then in turn ended up playing poker (Texas hold 'em, of course) I ended up talking with the girls most of the time and it turned out to be rather interesting. I always felt more confortable around girls, just because I'm just not a jock, nor do I play poker (Bridge! ... yeah, I know, old person). It was cool to hear the women talk about life, being married, how being married early can suck, what single people should do, how we should date, how they told me that I should be persistent in pursuing women, what it's like to live in other places other than NYC, and just a whole mess of stuff. I found it very enlightening! And through all this, I found that I once again, had turned on the adult personality in me. I still find it weird to be hanging around so many older people. Maybe this is just something that I will just do when I'm around my peers? In any case, I realize that I really miss being around young people. Golly, and it's not even 4 weeks yet, I think. Sigh. After that, I drove Judy home at about 10:00, and we just talked about what my age constraints would be if I decided to date someone. And to be honest, I told her that age wasn't that big a deal, though that I'd hope to date someone someone within 2 years of my age. I wonder why she was asking, and wonder if she was trying to set me up with someone she knew. I did tell her that I was kind of lonely and that I wouldn't mind getting set up. I dunno. Just not interested in playing games. I'm pretty serious about not messing around. Dropped her off and came home. Felt kind of strange, because the "day" had started so late. Fin. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
11:48 pm	The Elms in Netcong, NJ (with many other associated thoughts) Note: I realize that my entries are kind of long, so feel free to skip along. I write to just keep my thoughts in order. So after my talk with Mike Sohn, I bid him farewell and I headed out to MJ to meet Ki. Got to his house, no problems. Before the concert we were watching about one hit wonders on VH1. It was pretty funny, seeing all these old songs. Too bad we got back late, Ki wanted to see them all 100 of that list of one-hit wonders. haha. We got into Netcong without much fuss. We got lost for a little bit, but it wasn't too bad, we just basically went the wrong way. We pulled into the church, and as we expected the church was a very suburban white church, with maybe a few non-Caucasians around, but for the most part was pretty white. I realized how uncomfortable I felt, and as we were walking into the church, we were just finishing a conversation about if there was one word that Ki would use to describe himself, I found it hard to choose one, but he immeidately came up with the word "understood," and without getting into too much detail, he basically said that all he ever wanted from a girl was to be understood by her, in that in whatever he did, she'd understand in dome deep way why he'd be doing something, even if it was something that would seem out of character for him. And I totally respected that, because he feels like all his life he's been misunderstood, and I would agree with his assessments of the situation. That having been said, I realized that as I was walking into that parking lot, and seeing all those white people, I came to the stark conclusion that my word was "accepted." I have never been a person who's been "in." I've always been the outsider. Even now, as I type this, feelings of frustration and anger develop inside of me, because it's such a horrible feeling to not be accepted, to not be part of something, to always be not like everyone else. When I came into Stuy, the last thing that I wanted was to be different. I had wished so bad that I was Chinese, or Korean, so that I'd fit in to the other crowds that were there. I hated being Thai; nobody knew where Thailand was, and everybody thought that it was Taiwan, not Thailand, and the list goes on and on. This plus my inability to properly interact with people who I wanted SO MUCH to be friends pushed me further away from them. Nobody likes being around clingy people, and I was about as clingy as they get. So in high school, it was relational hell, because the ones that I had were a far between. Thankfully, I had a few people who kept me sane, and I would dare say that I owe my ability to think about this now to some of them who saw me through those rough times. At college, it got a little better, but not by much, I never felt part of KCCC, where that staff worker had led me to Christ. I tried so hard to be part of that group, I almost prayed that God would make me Korean, so I'd have some friends; of course in retrospect, I realized that's the exact opposite of what I should have been looking for. I finally came to my senses, and joined another campus group where for the first time in my life, I felt like God was using me, that somebody had purpose for me. Even now, I realized how much of a freak I am, and how uncommon I am from the rest of the Christians that I know, and it's not to pat myself on the back, but it's to highlight how different i am from the rest of the average jod Christians I know, and that can be really lonely too, I want different things than the average Christian, and I'm not going to settle for less than what I think God has in store. So in that sense, I feel like I'm still very alienated from most other Christians, because I'm just such a strange person. It would be nice to be part of a group where I wasn't strange, but that the way I think, the way I act, would be "normal". And maybe that's not my lot on earth, but it's something I'm hoping I get a glimpse of, because I am so tired of being the stranger. Sorry for the long aside. We get in, and we find out that the Elms are not going to be playing for another 2.5 hours!! But we figured it wouldn't be too bad. The church culture was really relaxed, and it was good in a sense that the schedule was really light. Basically, this band PURE would be playing, followed by some food and games time, followed by the Elms, and then a testimony. Not too bad, though if the testimony hadn't been so good, I wouldn't have let him speak, it would have been too long otherwise (we were done by 2 am!) The first group was PURE. They were this new metal kind of bad, with about as many influences as I have seen possible in a group: nu-metal, ska, reggae, punk, rock, rap. They were pretty good, though they need better stage presence. I wasn't captivated by them really. Technically, they were pretty sound. If they build up their stage presence a little better if would have been really good. Plus, they need to involve the crowd more. everyone was just kinda watching them with blank stares, except for the folks who knew their music. Yeah, it's usually easier to go that route. Then we had some game time, and me and Ki chose to play some gym volleyball. I say gym volleyball because you know it's not something that most people play with a high level of precision, and so the ball would be flying all over the place. What was worse was that one of these guys thought he was good just because he managed to block a ball on a net that hung at about 6 ft, and being about 6'3" himself. I held my cool though, and was hoping Ki would slam one down for me. We then went to eat. It was quite weird being around so many Caucasian folks, and I never realized that I felt so conscious about this. I don't know why I feel this way, but in retrospect I just think it heightened my sense of alienation in front of people in general, not just among non-Asian folks. Before the game time/eating time ended, we talked to the rapper dude from PURE, and I was startled at his relative lack of exposure to the club scene in NYC. They're not like awesome, but they're good enough to at least tour around there. I gave the guy a list of the more famous places that they could go play, and hopefully something will pan out for them there. Before they went up on stage, I saw Thomas Daugherty, tuning up for the show, and so like the fan of his that I am, I went and watched him tune up for the show, and asked him a bunch of questions concerning his stuff and whatnot, and the girls that were there were just flabbergasted watching him do the stuff that he did, even though all he did was basically tune up. One girl asked him about the solo to "Speaking in Tongues" and he actually played it, and I found that it was a bit different than what I had expected it to be, but then again, I'm sure he mixes it up a little bit, otherwise all the creativity is sucked out of it. With that we waited for the concert to start, and it took awhile but man, it was worth the wait. Owen (frontman) looked like he was basically throwing out the set out the window, cause the flow of the show didn't seem all that smooth, and when I asked him later, it turns out that I was right, because he realized that most of the people in the audience weren't rock and rollers, so they basically played some more pop friendly stuff. I got to hear most of the good stuff that they've played in the past, but they didn't play "Who Got the Meaning!" and later on I realized that if I had asked, they would have played it! AW MAN. Thomas Daugherty is off the freakin' hook. Unbelievable. The man has such lightning fast fingers. Wish I had started playing fifteen years ago. One thing that I noticed though was that he basically didn't use his pinky finger all that much, and I realized that was probably a slight handicap for him, but still, at this point, I don't think most people notice or care. For me, it's just something to consider when I'm growing as a musician, if I should cut some corners, because after all, I am getting older, and time is too precious to waste on some techniques just because I'm old. Anyways, he blew me and everyone else away with his stuff. It makes me wanna give up sometimes, but I keep on trucking. I think I'm pretty decent for my age, although you always wanna be better. Always. Chris Thomas (their drummer) had this hilarious moment, when Owen suggested a cover song that they play, and he started playing this shuffle beat, and I couldn't figure out what he was trying to play, until he started singing, "Close your eyes, make a wish ... " haha. that was hysterical. Didn't know rock bands liked playing R&B. Wish I could remember the set list, but I forgot to steal it off stage when I had the chance. But it went something like... (and not really in this order either) Some song that had a really groovin' bass line (new stuff) You Saved Me Lifeboat Come to the Water (new stuff) Speaking in Tongues Who puts Rock and Roll in Your Blood (new stuff)) Come to Me FreeFalling (Tom Petty and the HeartBreakers) Hey, Hey My Generation (The Who) Afterwards, I sat outside the chapel while they counted down to the new year with Dick Clark (really, Regis Philbin) Thought that was interesting because in FUMC, that would NEVER happen, because it's too secular. ^_^ In any case, got to talk with a Sales Rep from the radio station that sponsored the whole event, and he was pretty cool, and I think he wanted to go out for Thai food in Queens! I emailed him when I got home on Saturday, and hoping that we can hook up sometime. After that we heard a testimony from this photographer turned drug addict who turned to Christ. And what I liked about his testimony was that it wasn't filled with theology and preaching, but simply a forsaken man who got saved by grace, and I liked the rawness of it, and I was basically just amazed at the grace of God that was poured out onto this man. He was one of those photographers who basically shot for a bizillion people, and famous magazines and everything, and was just someone who was so lonely doing what he did, that he ended up in the clubs at night doing cocaine and crack with other people. But God, when he was at his lowest point, came down and set him back on solid ground. And it was just some awesome stuff. Man, what a way to start about the new year. Hmm. Then just helped to clean up for a bit, I was a roadie for like 10 minutes. ^_^ I got to meet their road manager Phil, who is the behind the scenes guy for the Elms, so I wanted to encourage him and say hi, and to tell him how I read his blog and how I appreciated the different perspective and he thanked me, so that was pretty cool. During the break, Ki was talking with this particular girl for a long, long time. It was pretty funny, I realized that as he was talking to her, that I should just leave them alone. She was rather pretty too, a gorgeous blonde with warm eyes and a bright smile. Ki, if you ever read this, I prophecy over you that you will be able to marry someone who's not Asian. I was like, dang, work that charm. ^_^ haha. She was seriously cool though, and was glad that Ki had interacted with someone in such a deep capacity. Dunno how he does it, I think he understands connection better than I do, because he always seems to have this deep conversation with at least one other person where we go, and that is just splendid stuff. I went outside the chapel and I found Owen Thomas there, and as I sit back and reflect on this, I realized that I was a very blessed man, not that Owen and the Elms are gods (by no means), but I just read an entry that said basically how 1500 fans had lined up for two hours just to meet them back in Ohio, and I was grateful just to be able to talk with Owen on such a deep level. He was talking about how the Elms didn't really have a niche in the "Christian" market, but the kind of music they played really reached out to an audience that really need to hear some "spiritual" music, and I commended him for thinking it out as such, and that the band planned on releasing album number three to a more mainstream label, and I totally hope they blast the music world out of the water. They totally could do it without changing a thing to their songs, and that's what makes it so exciting to think about. They're not as "pop" friendly maybe as Switchfoot, but they could totally carve out a cool niche in the mainstream and that is just awesome. Ki came by, and I introduced him to Owen and we ended up talking about the roadtrip that we were planning to take to CA and he mentioned a bunch of places that we should go visit. Yeah, then he had to pack up, so we let him go, and off we headed for home. The night would have ended perfectly if I hadn't gotten a ticket!!!! Golly, I just need to be more aware at night, because apparently, that's where I get most of my tickets. I missed a yield sign in the Netcong circle and I basically ended up getting high beamed by a passing SUV, which led to me getting pulled over by a local cop, who in turn gave me a ticket. Whee. He basically just gave me the once over, asked a bunch of questions, which I messed up by admitting I messed up, and hence giving me a ticket. Wonderful. Note to self, be more attentive, make sure the car is visible enough so that you can see crap at night, and for goodness sake ... DO NOT admit guilt. I'm just glad, because I don't think that those points will go on my permanent record, but still, the violation will probably end up on the record. SHEESH. Gotta be more careful. Kiunda ruined the rest of the night for me. We went to a local diner in Fort Lee (of course driving with paranoia now), and we ate well, and it was packed. Golly, I remember seeing all these beautiful Asian girls around the diner and basically thought, after seeing Ki converse with that girl in the church, "Man, Asian girls are so pretty too. Dude, where's mine, eh?" and then feeling kind of down. And we went back to Ki's place and crashed. And believe it or not, that's the end of this LONG entry. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
11:19 pm	Mike Sohn Mike Sohn has been a close friend of mine since I was saved in college, because we're the same age and that fact that he is such a good guy. He was one of my first Christian friends, as we served in the same fellowship for two years, and also back at FUMC. Even as I think about this, I think about his character and the way he just treats people, and it makes me wonder why some girl hasn't come by and snagged him yet. Maybe it's the fact that he's good friends with Micah seems to say it all, those two just have that character about them that makes them such strong practical Christians. Mike and I can sit at a shop for hours and talk about pretty much anything. Mike is one of the most well rounded people that I know too, he's a basketball player (though he'll say himself that he's getting rusty, then again, who isn't, we're all getting really old), yet not a full on jock, he is extremely intelligent and I might dare to say wise, and yet he's not full of himself, genuinely warm and friendly, and maybe this is a stretch, but I don't think I know anyone who ever has had anything bad to say about Mike. So I run into this guy just as I'm pulling out of the gas station near my house, and he's just about to get a haircut. I don't think that this was an accident. God has something in mind about this. Turns out that Mike left VCF just a month and a half ago and started going to Queens West a few weeks ago. He was pretty much in the same boat as me, he didn't really feel like they were catering to the younger crowd of single 25-30 year olds, and felt out of place. So he left for QW where he felt like he'd just fit in a little better. And I was pretty surprised to hear that he had left. I wasn't sure what to think about it all, but in some sense, I was glad that he did. It made me feel like that I hadn't just made a hasty decision to leave (even though my primary reason was that I'd rather serve in youth ministry than be around VCF'ers, which wasn't really hasty but just a feeling long gone in serving in YG) I was just glad to hear that he was doing ok there, and yeah he felt just as homeless as I did I think, and I would guess for him even more so; after all he had basically grown up in that church and now was leaving what had been home most of his life. Yeah, we just talked some more about his new job situation and wished him well. We agreed to meet up again with our old small group leader to just chill and discuss old times and to enjoy each other's company. I'm hoping that we get to do it after I come back from the road trip. Hopefully I'll get to see Mike Sohn at Queens West when I head there in late January. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
7:39 pm	Guitar, Sora, and video games ... Man ... Wednesday. Time seems to be moving so slow. At least I've been productive practicing guitar, I can somewhat play the solo to My Sharona. ^_^ Met up with Sora today. We had lunch. It was good. As usual, we talked about random stuff. She took off kinda soon though, because she had to finish work. Boo. And I gotta stop playing video games. It really eats chunks outta my day. Sigh. And I think this livejournal may be getting a little too cathartic =P~~~~~~~ (Comment on this)
Monday, December 27th, 2004
1:00 pm	Remnant Westside style So on Saturday night I was talking to Ki, and I came to the conclusion that working with Pastor Victor would not be in my best interests. He can't teach me about what it means to relate to people on a deep level, because frankly, I can't relate to him, and I think I'm a pretty relationally oriented guy. Thus I came to the conclusion that I should go visit some other churches, and experience what it's like to be in other places. So I visited Remnant Westside yesterday. Parking was pretty easy to find, but Ki attributed it to the holiday weekend; he claims that finding parking in that area is a nightmare on normal weekends. Again, it was good seeing old faces. Max, Yunha, Ryu, Melissa, Dave Hong, Minnow, Cheryl, but yeah a whole new bunch of faces, as would be expected. Service was at PS 111 on 53rd between 9th and 10 ave. Service was a lot less packed than Ki had told me, but being a college age oriented church, most of the people I would normally see there were back at their respective homes around the country. People were pretty cool, and they were about as friendly as Ki had said. That's a good church culture; my biggest thing about welcoming ministries at churches is that welcoming is not a committee thing, but it's a whole church thing. If they only people who are "friendly" are at the door, big time mistake. Worship was led by Dave Hong, and he's not bad, but he's got a weird musical sense. Still, it flowed better than worship at Eastside. Jen Wu and Cheryl Chin were up there with him; I LOVE Cheryl's voice. It's so unique! yessiree mad cool. There were intimate moments, and most people were so into it. That was good to see, because worship is so DEAD in most other churches. Heard Pastor Bruce speak, and he was pretty good. He took his sermon from the book of Acts, and basically exegeted the whole book the way I would have done it: ordinary people, extraordinary spirit. And spoke of how God worked in unexpected people, unexpected times, and unexpected ways. Kinda general, but it was enough to frame the sermon. His finest point was when he talked about the beggar at the gate Beautiful, and noticed that the beggar was 40 years old, and he made a startling point, Jesus surely must have seen this man as He was going in and out of the temple, which begs the question, "Why didn't Jesus heal him?" It's so that later, Peter would heal him! Why this way? We're not sure why, but one thing is certain, God's timing is certainly not ours. Ki remarked that that point was the most insightful thing that he had said in a long time. Food for thought. At least Pastor Bruce seem more relational, and I would certainly have an easier time being around him than Pastor Victor. Still, Ki seems to have had a bad taste in his mouth about serving under Pastor Bruce, and in some sense I would be under Pastor Victor until I would be able to serve at Westside, so that doesn't seem like it would be part of the equation. After service, talked with a few people. YJ seems ok, though he's a bit sore. He went down to speak at a retreat in Cherry Hill, and he took his dad's church van lol. That's a hefty ride! Other than him, just conversed with Ki. It still feels strange not being at home. Afterwards, we went to Minado out on 34th st. to eat up a Japanese buffet. I was hoping that we would get to sit with Diane and her brother, but alas the table was too full. Would have liked to know her better, since her and Ki are so close. It was filling, to say the least. Ended up listening to Ki talk to Shauna most of the time. Still amazed at the stories they experience in the prophetic, and I am not sure if I am just stubborn and not willing to believe, or if God hasn't chosen me to experience these things. Just confused, and it didn't help when I was in the car talking with him about stuff in general. I just felt weird not being able to experience the stuff that he does, and again doubting yet believing what he was talking about. It's no slur on Ki's character, I just was in limbo about what he was talking about. I'm in the seek not, forbid not stage, where I want the power of God to be manifest in my life, but I know that I have a lot of sin barriers to experiencing it. I think it's because I just don't want God enough. If I did, why wouldn't this happen? Doesn't God want to meet His people, and doesn't He want them to experience the power of His love? Perhaps Christianity hangs on this very question, and its relevance to everyday life; if God doesn't want people to experience the power of the Holy Spirit, or at least forward that as the primary vehicle for "Christian" living; then how are we to live new lives, the new life that is in Christ? It's about the clearest merging of the lines between hardline Reformers and Charismatics concerning empowerment. In any case, I am still on the fence, but all I do know is this, to totally knock what Ki has been experiencing would be a blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, and I dare not go there. It's either the power of the Holy Spirit, or it's the devil himself. No two ways about it. Whew, enough of the theology. After that long talk in the car, went home, and traffic was thankfully non-existant. At least I'm getting some miles on my car. I really miss my FUMC kids. I REALLY REALLY miss them. I dunno if I'm just co-dependent, but I am just missing them so much. Sigh. Sometimes, I wish I were Korean. Maybe then I could have dealt with this better. God, I am itching to do ministry. And the more I think about it, it seems like a bad thing, because I realized how much I liked being part of something, how much I felt valued by people, and now just sitting here doing pretty much nothing (where I could be at retreat with the YG kids if I hadn't decided to step out so early in December) I feel rather useless. People would claim that I'm resting, but I am not the kind who likes sitting down and doing nothing, unless of course you're talking about sleep. Sigh, but onward we go. It's starting to look a little bleak in terms of having a place where I can go and serve, because all the churches that I know consist of college-age/adults, not teenagers, and those are usually in churches just like FUMC that I just left. Man, it's looking like I'm really gonna have to compromise on what kind of place i'm going to serve in. Either I find a mentor, or I find a youth ministry, because it's starting to look like i'm not going to get both. Unless that is, I move to England or California. Next week, I'm looking to hit Queens West. Should probably let Sora know. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 26th, 2004
10:06 am	This song is for someone out there ... praying for you ... you know who you are, if you need to talk ... call me ... 718 930 7810. Now She's 24 - Fono Blind her eyes began, darkness in her mind Left and right, inside her cruel and kind The past still haunts her now, though she was just fifteen No one blames a girl as young as she was She starts to tell the truth, she's never said before The things that keep keep her so reserved As she speaks it out, opens up her eyes To shed a little tear and taste the light I believe in You ... Yes, I believe in You ... Now she's 24, ready to begin Let her past be past and start to live She knew there must be more, purpose to this life Emotions not created just to die She reaches out her hands, opens up her eyes Tears begin to fall with pride For the first time she feels peace, for the first time she feels joy For the first time she screams ... JESUS, I AM YOURS!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
9:53 pm	Stressed for Success? by David Brooks Many of you high school seniors are in a panic at this time of year, coping with your college acceptance or rejection letters. Since the admissions process has gone totally insane, it's worth reminding yourself that this is not a particularly important moment in your life. You are being judged according to criteria that you would never use to judge another person and which will never again be applied to you once you leave higher ed. For example, colleges are taking a hard look at your SAT scores. But if at any moment in your later life you so much as mention your SAT scores in conversation, you will be considered a total jerk. If at age 40 you are still proud of your scores, you may want to contemplate a major life makeover. More than anything else, colleges are taking a hard look at your grades. To achieve that marvelous G.P.A., you will have had to demonstrate excellence across a broad range of subjects: math, science, English, languages etc. This will never be necessary again. Once you reach adulthood, the key to success will not be demonstrating teacher-pleasing competence across fields; it will be finding a few things you love, and then committing yourself passionately to them. The traits you used getting good grades might actually hold you back. To get those high marks, while doing all the extracurricular activities colleges are also looking for, you were encouraged to develop a prudential attitude toward learning. You had to calculate which reading was essential and which was not. You could not allow yourself to be obsessed by one subject because if you did, your marks in the other subjects would suffer. You could not take outrageous risks because you might fail. You learned to study subjects that are intrinsically boring to you; slowly, you may have stopped thinking about which subjects are boring and which exciting. You just knew that each class was a hoop you must jump through on your way to a first-class university. You learned to thrive in adult-supervised settings. If you have done all these things and you are still an interesting person, congratulations, because the system has been trying to whittle you down into a bland, complaisant achievement machine. But in adulthood, you'll find that a talent for regurgitating what superiors want to hear will take you only halfway up the ladder, and then you'll stop there. The people who succeed most spectacularly, on the other hand, often had low grades. They are not prudential. They venture out and thrive where there is no supervision, where there are no preset requirements. Those admissions officers may know what office you held in school government, but they can make only the vaguest surmises about what matters, even to your worldly success: your perseverance, imagination and trustworthiness. Odds are you don't even know these things about yourself yet, and you are around you a lot more. Even if the admissions criteria are dubious, isn't it still really important to get into a top school? I wonder. I spend a lot of time meeting with students on college campuses. If you put me in a room with 15 students from any of the top 100 schools in this country and asked me at the end of an hour whether these were Harvard kids or Penn State kids, I would not be able to tell you. There are a lot of smart, lively young people in this country, and you will find them at whatever school you go to. The students at the really elite schools may have more social confidence, but students at less prestigious schools may learn not to let their lives be guided by other people's status rules — a lesson that is worth the tuition all by itself. As for the quality of education, that's a matter of your actually wanting to learn and being fortunate enough to meet a professor who electrifies your interest in a subject. That can happen at any school because good teachers are spread around, too. So remember, the letters you get over the next few weeks don't determine anything. Picking a college is like picking a spouse. You don't pick the "top ranked" one, because that has no meaning. You pick the one with the personality and character that complements your own. You may have been preparing for these letters half your life. All I can say is welcome to adulthood, land of the anticlimaxes. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
12:16 am	Ki Lee Farewell Tour! From Jan 7 - 15, 2005! Stopping in: New York City, NY Fort Lee, NJ Philadelphia, PA Baltimore, MD Fairfax, VA Columbus, OH St. Louis, MO Nashville, TN Atlanta, GA Baton Rouge, LA New Orleans, LA Houston, TX San Antonio, TX El Paso, TX Tucson, AZ Phoenix, AZ Los Angeles, CA Road trip time! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 20th, 2004
5:51 pm	Remnant, two weeks in ... It's my second week at Remnant, and I feel very alone without Ki present. I didn't realize how lonely this place would feel without him here. He knows people, and so that helps. and I do too, but still, it doesn't feel like i know that many people. But, parking was divinely given today! Some dude pulled out right in front of me on 20th and 1st ave. Praise God! If parking is like this, then coming to the city for Remnant will be much easier!!! I FINALLY saw Pastor Victor. Geez, that man is hard to get in touch with. Apparently, I don't know how to send emails, because he never receives any of mine! In any case, I got his new phone number from him, and I will be seeing him on Tuesday evening. Hopefully, we'll be getting some things in order. He apparently did talk to Uwang about the whole youth ministry thing before, and it SEEMS like he's alert about it. Well, time will tell, in any case, it's starting to look up, and maybe I'll be doing youth ministry again before long. Pastor Victor is definitely not the kind of emotional, sensitive communicator that I was hoping he could be, but he's very intelligent, and so I think that'll help me at least from a learning ministry perspective, cause I think I got the emotional part down a little better than I did a few years ago. Susan (Bang, was it?) led praise for the service, and that girl's got pipes! I love the way she leads worship, even though it seems like her vocal variations are a little weird sometimes, but still, I feel like I don't have to try as hard than as with Justin there. Myra(sp?) is an AMAZING pianist, and she may have been classically trained, but her touch is like BUTTER. BUTTER. I gotta have her teach me some stuff about piano. It makes me wanna go back to playing on worship team again. But no! Priorities, priorities. Afterwards, I went to go eat with the newcomers and it was good. Mildwin the guy who leads the welcoming committee, and he seems to have a good heart and I like him; I actually caught him later trying to fix a door in the nursery at the RCC ... what a servant heart. We all went out to eat at the Lemongrass on 34th st. And it was a little awkward at first, and I only knew, Irene, Jon Fung, Hope, and Mildwin there, and then Ed whom I had just met last week. But then the conversation started going, and managed to get to know Ed's fiancee, Tina, so that was a little better. But yet, i still felt weird, and I realized that my social graces were literally kicking in, which I haven't cared to use in so long, since I've been around students for awhile, but being around people my age, I realized that I had to just act differently. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm around peeps! MY AGE! What a concept! Hmmm, mayeb that's why I felt so weird. Young adults are not my thing, I guess. After that, Hope, Irene, and myself walked back to the RCC. The RCC is the community building that Remnant owns, and we use it to hang out and stuff, it's pretty nice. Funny moment: Hope comes out of nowhere and says to me, "I'm so sorry, I still have your Calculus book! Do you want it back?" And we burst out laughing. That was priceless, since school has been over for her for over two years, and we haven't seen each other for four! That was worth the walk back with them. They bought some coffee, and we went inside the RCC. They took out some pictures that Jon Fung and Angela had made as Christmas cards. Wow, Angela is beautiful already, but them photos made her look stunning. The wonders of air brushing! Ok, Jon Fung didn't look half bad either, heheheh. But I'm still lonely, and during all this, (sigh) I found myself thinking about Irene. I barely have seen this girl for two weeks, and already my heart is wandering. She was defintely prettier in college, and it seems that time has worn her down a little bit, but not from a beauty angle, but it just seems like life took it's toll on her heart. Her smile is different, I dunno. Still, I found myself just looking at her. Man, I hope she didn't notice, then again we were both tired, so it didn't seem that either of us was paying any attention to things like that. I don't get what it is with me and older women. She's a little bit of a tomboy, too. The biggest turn on was when Hope and Irene started talking about football in terms that I didn't understand, haha, and I found that was such a turn on. She's been teaching for awhile, too. 1st graders! oh man, be still my heart. I have a huge thing for teachers. Yeah, I had the added bonus of driving her home as well, but I don't see anything into that. Plus, I screwed up when I forgot to offer to carry her stuff. Ah, Alan, you are such a doof. Well, she doesn't show any interest, so maybe it's just as well. I have other stuff to think about. Wait a sec, no I don't. DANG! Went home and snoozed than called Ki up and talked for a good few hours about our road trip to LA. That's gonna be fun. We talked for a good 3 hours, and then some. I'm gonna call it the Ki Lee Farewell Tour. heheh. God, I'm here to serve. If this is where you want me to be in the next few years, I'm down. You know, God, that I'm not here to just mess around. So keep mission going, Lord. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
9:03 am	Sunday Morning "No Doubt" has a song called "Sunday Morning", but apparently it has nothing to do with what I'm feeling. Golly. It is weird not having to get up so early. And it is weirder not having to rush in the morning to get to church. And I hope I fit in at Remnant. And off the record (even though this is a public journal) ... I am seriously not into denominationalism ... why is every dag pastor in the world telling me to get ordained? People's first questions to me are not going to be, "What denomination are you ... " They're going to ask me ... "Why do you believe God exists?" or "Why should I think about Christianity?" Sigh, oh well, off we go. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 10th, 2004
5:50 pm	Homelessness Weekends are going to be mighty mighty strange for the next few weeks. This is the first time in a long time where I won't have major responsibilities. Other than school. =P Man, freedom is not what people crack it up to be at times. (3 Comments |Comment on this)